Two Points for Honesty
“If that’s all you will be
You’ll be a waste of time
You’ve dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all” - Two Points for Honesty by Guster
The DFL senate candidate Al Franken declared victory today after the recount canvassing board certified the results of the 62-day recount process (full story). As a recently adopted Minnesotan, after having lived in two states that clearly didn’t want me, I’m somewhat glad to see the end of the tunnel. Coleman’s attorneys have already declared that they are going to challenge the result, but I believe this is a huge mistake. Read the rest of this entry »
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Life, Music, Politics | Silence »
Smell of a Wet Jog
As part of my own “Campaign for Change” I’ve tried to commit myself to getting in a good thirty minutes of cardiovascular activity at least three times a week (while shooting for every day). This is not the first time I’ve embarked on such an ambitious goal. In the past I’ve been able to maintain a regiment for about four to six weeks before losing interest for various reasons. This is a trend that extends to many things I set out to do in life. I tend to focus intensely on something for a short period of time before I lose interest and move to focusing intensely on something completely different. A friend of mine from college described this behavior as “traveling at 200 mph in any given direction.”
Needless to say, this type of behavior tends to lead to some very serious life-balance issues. The main focus of effort this time around is to recognize my obsessive tendencies and try to use it to my advantage. So far I haven’t been 100% successful, but I never intended it to be (which was a mistake I made many times in the past). Needless to say it’s still too early to package it into a novel and distribute it to self-help sections of bookstores across the nation.
Since I decided to work from home today, I got the executive privilege of having my own window (glad my outrageous rent affords at least some luxuries). Because of this, I was able to notice that the rainfall had let up for a while and thanks to my friends over at NOAA I could see that the next round of storms were rapidly approaching. As such, I decided to use this opportunity to go for a quick jog. This would be the second time I’ve attempted to use old fashioned jogging to satisfy my self-imposed exercise requirements. The first time I decided to jog, I discovered (after the fact of course) that my running shoes were less than adequate, this resulted in a sore arch and a limp for about three weeks. Four weeks and a new pair of shoes later, I hit the trail once more.
Now I am by no means a fast runner ( I think I’m at about an eight minute mile), so running for thirty minutes usually only means covering only about a three to four mile distance. About eight minutes into my journey I was reminded of the fact that I am a lousy weatherman when it started to rain. I’m sure I got some amusing looks from the automotive traffic as they wondered “Who is this idiot running so slowly in the rain, is that a hole in his running pants?”
By the time the trail cut into the small forest reserve, the rain had stopped. The funny thing about a short rain storm, is that immediately after it ends, the forest comes abundantly alive with wildlife. It’s almost as if they have to make up for the fact that they were rudely interrupted by the passing storm and devote themselves to being twice as “naturey” to make up for it. This may not sound that interesting to most people, but to a computer programmer who has grown accustomed to being locked in a dimly lit closet from morning to dusk, nature is a fascinating new thing.
A little further into the forest I stopped. A few yards up on the path stood a small fawn. We both preceded to stare each other down. The problem with having a staring contest with a deer, is they will always win. I know this from experience. The last time I tried it took about thirty minutes for me to finally give up. This time I remembered that my phone has a camera, so I slowly pulled it free from my pants pocket and began to creep forward. I wasn’t able to get too close before the deer bolted into the forest, but I did get a few pictures. Needless to say I was surprised to see a deer in what I considered to be a rather urban section of the city. In the end I did manage to make it home with only one more random rain shower. Though I was covered in a mixture of a sweat and rain water, I think the experience was rather invigorating. Hopefully my foot doesn’t start to hurt again…..
note: This is a phone camera, and I wasn’t exactly a very steady shot at the time. If you look closely you might see a blurry Sasquatch in the background.
P.S. One of these days I might actually be able to write about something interesting.
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Life | 3 Voices »
Change is Upon Us
Sorry Obama fans, this is not a blog post congratulating Obama on his sweeping victory in this year’s presidential election. Don’t get me wrong, I think Obama is an aspiring figure and probably has the kind of charisma our country needs. I’ve just never been one to do the “popular thing” and I have a really problem with the fact that media seems to have been pushing his campaign forward from behind the scenes. I don’t trust the media (give me a second while I adjust my tin foil hat).
That’s better. This is certainly the season of change. Gas across the street is $2.07 (take that chicago, you can keep your $2.70 gas and your outrageous tolls). My room-mate popped the “big question” and got himself engaged. My friend in Chicago moved out of his parent’s attic and is now living on his own (with like real responsibility and stuff). And of course, it took me over a half hour to vote this morning because of the long lines.
By contrast, when I voted for mid-term elections I was one of two people in the polling room at the time. I’m all for the record breaking turn-out this year, but I am a bit concerned about how it might affect the local election results. Hopefully the new influx of voters either took the time to research the local candidates (not likely) or they did the smart and responsible thing by not voting on races they know nothing about.
I’m a self-declared Independent myself, and I usually try to base my decision on a candidate’s credentials and character. Of course, the very nature of politics makes determining the latter of the two very difficult. With many of the candidates, all I’ll ever know about them is the little blurb they post in the local newspaper or on their own personal web-site (if they happen to be so tech saavy). Though it may not be much, I try really hard to read between the lines and get a feeling for the person behind the words. Not sure if it’s a general trend, but I found myself voting for a lot more democrats this year….
Though I won’t miss the height of political ferver when it finally passes (at least give us a year’s break before starting your bid for 2012 Hillary, we beg you), I do regret not getting involved in the process by commiting myself to a candidate early and helping in the campaigning. I think I’ll make a point next election year to get involved in some of the campaigns (local campaigns only, I could care less about the larger campaigns).
Anywho, time to go hit up the election night party. I still can’t wait until they finish the online voting system so I no longer have to vote sober.
~May the best worst candidate win~
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Politics | 2 Voices »
Pictures
My mind is telling me it’s time for bed, but here are some pictures from my ride around town.
Apparently the Zumbro river (which is what I usually follow) splits off into the smaller Cascade Creek. I followed the trails down to 11th Street NW before I had to turn back in order to make the movie.
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Life | 3 Voices »
Quick Update
Trying to enjoy the perfect weather (for me that’s 50-60 F) while it lasts, so I’m going to give the bike trails of Rochester a tour (if you’re good I may post pictures). I think Fall is my favorite season, so I want to enjoy it this year (even if it is relatively short up here).
I’m going to catch a showing of Eagle Eye tonight with a friend from work. This may be the first time in a while that I’ve been out to see a movie I know nothing about (that is if I resist the urge to look it up between now and tonight). There may have been ads on television, but I don’t really watch much television aside from C-Span and the news occasionally. In fact I originally wanted to opt out of even the most basic cable package, but since I have a cable Internet connection they were going to charge me a $13 fee if I didn’t get it which is only $2 less than the cost of the basic package (a lovely Charter scheme).
If the movie turns out to be as bad as Babylon AD maybe I’ll imagine myself on a boat in a sea of noise…
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Life | 2 Voices »
Rain
“Rain, rain, go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.”
- Rain by Breaking Benjamin
As someone who has a tendency to bottle up his emotions, I often find an expressive outlet in music. Outside my window the last of the evening light is being blotted out by dark storm clouds blowing in across the plains. The wind bullies the tree outside, causing branches still packed with bright red autumn leaves to dance.
Although I enjoy listening to the relaxing sound of raindrops drumming against my rooftop, I thought it might be interesting to search my music archives for a good “rain theme” song. The song by Breaking Benjamin took my breath away. Lately I’ve been a sucker for the near acoustic style, delving heavily into the works of Dan Wilson, Bon Iver, and Ben Folds. Listening to these songs has sealed the deal for me, I need to find myself a guitar and start playing again. Read the rest of this entry »
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Life, Music | 2 Voices »
Enrichment
I finally decided to grow a pair and actually log into my blog and maybe, I’m as surprised as you are, actually post something. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve successfully failed to complete quite a few blog entries since the last. Most of the problem was that I was doing the very thing that I started this blog to prevent, taking life too seriously.
I had lengthy paragraphs describing how (what I believe to be) narcolepsy has slowly been eating away at what’s left of my sanity. How being diagnosed with an Irritable Bowel can make being more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom risky business. Or how I’m debating whether I fall within the category of aesexual or love-shy. The truth is that these things ar e just excuses, and I’m a little sick of living inside my own head.
If I had to some up my life since my last post in one word, it would be: ~drumroll please~ Stress. Ah, but how I love to pass myself off as someone who never gets stressed. The truth is that I find myself getting stressed out way more than I even admit to myself. In fact this very thing is probably the root cause of a lot of the problems I mentioned in the previous paragraph.
I have to give out a big thanks to my friend JP for calling me on my own bullshit. It was actually a little creepy to know that there is somebody out there who can still see through all of my own fabrications (even when I can’t). It’s too bad that life had to put us on opposite ends of the country.
So the real question I have to pose to myself is am I going to be able to keep this up? Or will I eventually fall back into the same cycle I’ve been going through for past few years. I suppose only time will tell, but I’d like to thank all of those who put up with me in the meantime.
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Life | 2 Voices »
Fake Plastic Love
As I brooded at the pub over a few too many beers, I decided to write down what I could never bring myself to say out loud. Maybe by writing it down I can finally let you go…
”On random notes of parchment, I’m scrawling my existence….”
I can still remember the day too well, still see the dark hanging clouds and feel the moist humid sweat upon the palms of my hands. It was a cold and miserable day, the day I realized I’d lost you.
Will you ever know how much your bright smile shone upon my life and provided me with the strength to carry on. I never told you how much you meant to me, or how your light has helped to carry me through the dark times of my life Even though times passed when you were so close I had but to reach out my hand and touch you, I was too afraid. Afraid that, like a delicate bird, you might be frightened and fly away, never again to grace me with your beautiful presence.
Instead, I watched and waited, content to take in your beauty from a distance, unadulterated by my own glaring shortcomings. Like a fool, I thought you would always be there, that somehow you would not succumb to the same wind which blew me away from that place, that someday I would find my way back to you, and you would still be there when I returned. There were times when I found myself so deep underground I could no longer feel the sun, it was then that your radiance lead me forward and I pressed on. When I found myself swimming among the turbulent waves of the endless ocean though my legs went numb with weariness and the taste of salty water burned in the back of my thought, your image burned brightly before me, my shining star, my guiding light when all the other stars in the heaven had been consumed by darkness.
Still, it wasn’t until that cold cloudy day, which found me far away from your presence, that I realized the true nature of things. In all my travels, I sought to find a way to raise myself up to the pedestal on which I’d placed you. Never thinking that you might be on a journey of your own, which would inevitably lead you further from me. Your image began to haunt my dreams, waking me in a cold sweat with memories of an embrace which I had never felt. These dreams began to eat away at my mind, as sleepless night followed sleepless night.
Yet, somehow I found the courage to seek you out and find your number. You were just a phone call away, and as I began to slip coins into the badly abused and weathered phone, I began to wonder. What could I possibly say to reconcile everything you had meant to me? With one coin left to drop, I was hit with the true nature of what I felt for you. It was not real love that I felt, warm and filling, but a fake plastic love, unrealistic and fabricated by years of imaginary hopes and dreams. There was no way I could ever truly love you, not the person I had lifted up to a position unattainable by any mortal in this cursed life.
No, the truth was I had already lost you long ago, and nothing I did now could ever change that. I had waited too long, by now you had moved on to another place. Only when you felt cold and alone at night, it wouldn’t be me you think of.
Violently shaking, not from the cold but from your loss, the final coin fell to the ground, the sound echoing across the emptiness of my shattered heart. It was the last piece that I had foolishly hoped would bridge an uncrossable divide. Though I shuddered, no tears would come. I had lost you long ago, I was just too blinded by my own dreams to realize it.
Only as I write these words of warning to those who may be young and more innocent, do the tears finally begin to fall. I lost you the day I had decided to enshrine you behind glass, motionless, untouchable, unreachable, unattainable, forever sealed away.
So, as I continue on my journey dark and brooding, forever continuing onwards without you, I breath your name one last time as I watch your image fade. Farewell and goodbye, my fake plastic love.
”…Am I destined only to die, the same way that I lived; in seclusion?” - The Ataris
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Searching For A Sunrise | Silence »
Spring Cleaning
*wipes the dust off the screen*
It’s been a while and I find myself in the midst of fighting my two greatest enemies. The first is that muddling haze which seems to descend upon my mind and keep me from thinking clearly. Seriously, I’ve found it hard to even get anything done, even at work. I would stare at the computer screen wondering what the hell I was supposed to be doing and begin to contemplate my usefulness as a member of the human race. The second is an illness all too familiar to those of my generation. At work I recently had to sit through an entire presentation on the differences between “Generation i”, the tech-savvy generation, and the hard working, dirt in nails, “Baby Boomer” generation. After I watched the presentation I felt like I owed it to the first person I saw over 40 to apologize for destroying what’s left of the planet after global warming runs its course. But I diverge, that most familiar of maladies is just plain laziness. The problem I have with performing a task, let’s dub it Task A, is that I just can’t bring myself to actually do “Task A” without a good reason to do Task A. So this leads to me sitting down for a while to ponder why I need to bring myself to do Task A in the first place, all the while becoming more confused and lost within the labyrinth of my own thoughts.
After contemplating why I should do Task A for about thirty minutes, I realize that I’m getting nothing done, by this point I can’t even remember why I ever wanted to do Task A in the first place. Despite this, something still nags at me about Task A, reminding me that I’m a complete moron. As a compromise I decide to perform Task B which, while being a lot less productive, is a hell of a lot more entertaining. By the time I’m done with Task B, I’ve either completely forgotten about Task A or it is too late to do anything about it.
And so life continued for most of the winter and a good chunk of the spring. Yeah I did stuff: threw some kicking parties, met some killer blokes, took some vacation to visit family in Denver and friends in Cedar Rapids, and busted a chill on occasion, but I didn’t really realize how much I was letting slide until I took my trip down to Texas last weekend.
Whenever I go back to campus it always seems like time and space warps. In some ways it always seemed like I was gone for too long, but also not long enough. As if I’d thought my last time there was just a dream I had awoken from long ago, but when I step into a dorm room once again reality shifts and I realize that my time away was more of a dream then my time in Texas. I didn’t get that feeling when I came down for graduation, sure it was all too familiar yet very different all the same, but it was somewhat vindicating to realize that I had moved on past the struggles that once bound me to that place.
My short visit reminded me that sometimes I can be too hard on myself. It was good to be in good company and be forced to break my spell of loneliness and self-withdrawal for a time. All too often I was faced with the daunting question of “so remember when you said you were going to do _____, how is that coming?” I would then have to awkwardly explain that I hadn’t really done much of _____, all the while trying to recall what it was I had done instead. Despite that, I was glad I was able to be there to re-unite with friends who were about to head their various ways across the nation and a few friends who came back from various parts of the world for the same reason.
In some ways it reminded me of who I was, and gave me hope that I might still make something of it in the end. So in a nutshell, I finally broke through the mental fog which kept me from figuring out how to work a keyboard in such a way as to make a post and a couple of beers and encouraging words made me realize that there is more to life than being comfortably lazy.
Cheers!
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Searching For A Sunrise | Silence »
Fight the Good Fight
Tonight I decided to renew my war on sleep. Recently it’s been brought to my attention that I have been sleeping way too much. I’m also finding that the more sleep I get, the more sleep I need. That’s why I’ve decided to pick up the cause I let die after I graduated college and stay up to greet the AM with a droopy-eyed yawn. More than ever I find myself giving into laziness and sloth. At times it feels as if there is a heavy black cloud of energy which swirls about my psyche. Perhaps a form of motivational inertia?
Participating in the midterm elections really helped me recharge my batteries a little. It wasn’t just the warm fuzzy for feeling like I’ve done my civic duty, it was also the idea that I am a part of something, even if my part is ever so small. For a while, I felt as if I was spinning my wheels in mud. The harder a tried to get out, the more I regressed and the deeper the problem became I needed traction, something which seemed like progress, even if it wasn’t really in pursuit of any broad or heroic end goal.
I’ve never been a big fan of pragmatism. Breaking life down and sectioning it off via a secularist attitude is alien to an empathetic, aesthetic, spiritualist. Just look at the artist line-up I’ve been listening too lately: Muse, Crash Test Dummies, and Radiohead. I think the answer for now is in taking things a small step of a time. Restart my original plan to jog in the morning. Dust off the blog and maybe make a few entries. Figure out what’s going on with my finances and who I owe or owes me money. But mostly, remember that life is not about milestones and trophies (nice as they may be), it is about living.
The sun sets, leaving a sea of red outside my apartment.
Pressing onward,
codepainter
Topics: Searching For A Sunrise | 3 Voices »